Writers block. Brain farts. I am suffering from both right now; in front of my computer and in life. As I sat in my kitchen chair this morning, head hanging down over my yummy oatmeal, I was feeling stuck and feeling really fucking bummed out.
I have plenty of ideas for my writing; some I have even started, with the words flowing out effortlessly. Then I stop to take a break, with every intention of sitting back down later and finishing it; but I get swept up and away by life and then that beautiful moment where I felt so inspired and full of words that so perfectly tell whatever story I had in my mind at that moment, has passed. I fucking struggle getting that same feeling back; that feeling that was the motivation behind the story to begin with. So I sit in front of my computer, my mind blank, my heart now in a different place and I just retreat. I don’t know what to do, so I do what I do when I feel this way in life; I shut shit down, settle in to myself and recharge my energy off in a corner somewhere in my sanctuary that I call home.
This morning, life itself was my computer screen and I had writers block. I tried to come up with a plan today and I just could not think of anything that I wanted to do or needed to do. Nothing felt exciting or inspiring. Nothing felt necessary. Nothing sounded good. I couldn’t even really find the words to describe to anyone, let alone myself, what I was really feeling. My mind was just blank; and so I cried in my oatmeal.
I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself when I don’t write for a while. I get frustrated with myself and question what I am doing with my existence. For me, I have to feel something deep in my spirit; an experience out in nature, life or even with a human that opens the doors and windows to my mind, unleashing ideas and feelings and opinions and thoughts so strong that they move me to the computer or a pad of paper and pen, and the words end up flowing out effortlessly. When I force myself to sit in front of the computer screen and try to come up with something to write about, it does not work well for me and only furthers my frustration and feelings of defeat. The reality is the computer itself is not what inspires me; it is merely the tool that I use to express what HAS inspired me.
And so here I was today, feeling funky and uninspired by life. After I had a good five minute cry, I chose to accept the fact that today may just not be my day, and I settled in to my funk and I shut shit down to recharge my energy. Some may view that as giving up and accepting defeat, but au contraire! While I did FEEL defeated today, I understood that I merely just needed to take a time out. I view it as knowing myself, knowing my limits and knowing that I am WORTHY of a time out. I wasn’t giving up. I was simply accepting what was, in that moment.
Acceptance isn’t always necessarily a weakness. In fact, I think it takes great mental, spiritual and emotional strength to accept what is. Take the ocean waves for example. I recently was on vacation and I was standing knee deep in the beautiful ocean waters of Hawai’i, watching the waves form gently out on the water, knowing all too well the amount of force and power that was building underneath the surface. A big wave was fast approaching. I stupidly tried to escape it but it swallowed me up, swirled me around until I didn’t know which way was up or down and then spit me back out on the beach, taking my sunglasses with it and leaving me breathless, with a pound of sand in my bikini bottoms and bandeau top. Sure, I laughed as I spit out sand; but best believe I spent the next half hour on my beach towel catching my breath, briefly mourning the loss of my cheap sunglasses and contemplating the lesson that, honestly, I have learned many times before.
The ocean waves are one of the most powerful forces on Earth. They shape coastlines for fucks sake! And they will always be a powerful force. There is no stopping them. There is no outrunning them. You simply have to recognize that they are a force more powerful than you and to survive them, you must learn their ways; their patterns, the way that they form, how the ocean is moving that day. You must accept them as they are, ever-changing, and adjust how YOU move so you can move in sync with them. Dive into the waves head first as they are forming and you will end up on the other side of them intact. Run from them as they crash on the surface and come rumbling your way and you more than likely will end up upside down with salt water up your nose and sand in your coochie. You just have to go with the flow; you just have to ride the wave. Watching the surfers in the evenings was the most perfect example of what happens when you accept the ocean as is, adjusting your own flow to vibe with it rather than resist it. In accepting that the ocean waves are more powerful than those trying to ride them, the surfers end up engaging in a powerful yet elegant tango with the ocean, moving together in one of the most beautiful dance performances I have ever seen.
So you see, I don’t look at accepting that I am in a funk or that I am having writers block or brain farts as defeat or a sign of weakness. Do I FEEL defeated in those moments? Yes. But I know better than to tell myself that I AM defeated. Because I am not. I am merely accepting what is, in that moment, and choosing to ride the wave rather than run from it.
I think that sometimes in feeling defeat, you can find inspiration. In fact, this blog post is a product of said feelings of defeat! Earlier this morning when I was crying in my oatmeal, I would not have thought that I would be sitting here later today writing a new blog post. So to anyone out there reading this; if you are a writer suffering from writers block or you are someone who is going through life and you feel stuck in a rut and don’t know what to do next… accept what is, in this moment. Give yourself grace and allow yourself to retreat and recharge if need be. Ask yourself, what do YOU need right now in this moment to get you to a better space mentally, emotionally, spiritually and/or physically? Love yourself a bit.
To have control is to give up control. Don’t run from the waves. Do whatever you must do for YOU to prepare yourself to ride that motherfucker.
Awake, Aware & Uncensored 