Two weeks ago, I got the results of my blood work that was done during a routine Physical. My Cholesterol and LDL levels were high; as in, VERY high. I started to panic. The next day I received a message from my doctor informing me that my labs “demonstrated an elevated cholesterol level” and that I am “at an increased risk for heart attack and stroke in the future.” She told me that, due to my LDL level being so high, she would recommend a medication called a Statin. She attached some videos for me to watch and that was that. I was fucking floored. Scared. Shocked. I felt like she had just given me a death sentence.
I went through a wave of emotions over the next 48 hours. I looked back at my previous test results from the past few years of me getting blood work done and I was fucking pissed to discover that no doctor had ordered a Lipid panel to be done since September 2021, when my Cholesterol levels were in fact slightly elevated at that time. I also had elevated Cholesterol levels years ago when I lived in Alabama, no thanks to the McDonalds Dollar Menu and Bojangles that I had been surviving on for a while when I was young and dumb and all of the fried pork chops, chicken fried chicken smothered in gravy and Mac and Cheese that I was eating. With that said, I had a history with high Cholesterol levels that I always mentioned with my healthcare providers moving forward after that. At that time in Alabama, I had committed myself to a change in diet, eliminating butter and added salt and I started eating fish (which I did not like at the time) and lean meats. I begrudgingly managed to get my numbers back down by the grace of God, through that diet change and added exercise.
Fast forward 10 years and the Pandemic hit. I was Doordashing a lot of my meals and also living with someone who loved Steaks, hamburgers and swore that you could not have a meal without butter and salt. My Cholesterol levels unintentionally were shoved to the very back corners of my mind and my Physical health was not at the top of my To Do list. I gained 30lbs. When the world started opening back up, I had scheduled that Physical in September 2021 and that is when I saw that my Cholesterol levels were slightly elevated. I vaguely remember discussing this with my doctor and she suggested that I make some subtle changes to my diet, but she did not seem too worried about it and in return, I stupidly did not consider it that big of a deal and, again, those Cholesterol levels made their way to the back of my mind.
One of my passions in life is cooking. Another is eating. I LOVE trying new foods and going out to restaurants I have never tried. I also love learning about different cooking methods and ingredients. But while doing so, I have not really learned about the nutritional values of things other than the obvious “fruits and vegetables are good, candy bars are bad”. I am a restaurant girl and I have been living in a restaurant world. All food is good food.
Very soon after that doctors visit in September 2021, I went through a very low point in my life. I was facing the aftermath of a relationship that fell apart and all of the emotions that came with it. It felt like my brain broke. While many people out in the world eat through their stresses and problems, I in fact lose my appetite. Me, the forever foodie, finds that nothing sounds good. And that was the case for the first 6 months of 2022. I lost over 45 pounds. But it was not in a healthy way. But, like the rising Phoenix that I am, I clawed my way from the rocky bottom that I laid upon for months, back on up to the top; inch by inch, day by day, joint by joint, therapy session by therapy session and prayer by prayer. Just as I had done before. And just as I had done before many times, for many years, I started treating myself again to lunch and dinners at my favorite restaurants, ordering anything I wanted, sometimes even two desserts. I mean, who can resist the Butterscotch Pudding at BDG’s? I was putting all of my energy in to learning to love myself again. I was investing in my mental and emotional health; paying for my life changing CBT sessions, going to get massages, treating myself to fancy meals, buying myself that dress I liked in that window and those shoes I saw online and taking pole dancing classes in Berkeley and Oakland just to keep myself occupied, building my self confidence back up as pole dancing has always been therapeutic for me. I was putting myself back out there in the world.
Now, while I have always been very good about going to get my Physicals done once a year, getting my blood work done etc., getting the results has always given me anxiety because I don’t understand 90% of the shit I’m looking at. I used to spend well over an hour googling what each test was and what it was measuring etc. and it honestly just became way too overwhelming for me and I chose to trust that my doctor would relay any information that is of importance regarding my health, directly to me. I remember 15-20 years ago my doctor’s office would call and discuss the results which I really appreciated as a patient. After all, I wasn’t the one who chose to spend the years and the money going to Medical school to learn all of those medical terms and whatnot and I had always believed that that communication between Doctors and patients was part of their jobs AS doctors. I just trust that my doctors know what is going on with me and are looking out for me. But nowadays, that way of thinking has proven to be naive. I am finding that you truly have to be an advocate for your own health.
So, when I realized two weeks ago that my doctor had not tested my Cholesterol levels since 2021, I became infuriated. I’m talking about PISSED the FUCK off. How could she have been so irresponsible? I trusted that she had my health in her best interest! I trusted that she knew what she was doing! I trusted that, due to my cholesterol levels being slightly elevated in 2021, my doctor had continued to order Lipid panels for all of my blood work that was done after that and simply never mentioned anything to me about my Cholesterol again because I was in the clear! Wrong. I questioned my doctors decision to not test my Cholesterol levels in the last 2 1/2 years being that they were elevated the last time they were checked. She was a bit defensive and her response was that she did not check my Cholesterol levels because “we were focusing on my mental health” instead. That infuriated me even further. Why the fuck does it have to be an either or situation?! Aren’t they both important?!
So while I spent those first few days being scared and stressed that I was going to have a heart attack and being angry at my doctor for what I felt was failing me AS my doctor, something behind the scenes was working. On day one, I was in the gym doing my cardio and weight machine workouts. I also was doing a complete overhaul of my diet. I was praying constantly, in between my breakdowns. By day 3, I finally got my first feeling of hope creeping in to my spirit. My boyfriend and I had went to dinner at his parents house and during dinner and discussion his father said some things to me after sharing his own health journey; I can do this. With dedication to myself and my health, I can do this on my own, without Statins. I just have to make some adjustments to my diet and my exercise. And I have to believe I can do it. When he said these words to me, I could tell HE believed it; and now it was up to me to believe it too.
The next day I realized that I could not put all the blame on my doctor. The reality was that it was ME who had failed myself. Not intentionally. But merely by naively overlooking a very crucial layer on my journey of self love. The internal physical health aspect. While over the years I have worked extremely hard at mastering the art of rising from the ashes and starting over, learning to love and accept who I am as a person and learning to love and accept my mind, heart, spirit and body as is, I have never seriously considered how important it is to think about what I am consuming; what I am nourishing my body with. I thought I was being so good to myself by giving myself grace, patience and treating myself by allowing myself to indulge in my favorite foods and activities (which oftentimes also involved food) like traveling and getting massages etc. This whole time that I have been working in and visiting restaurants serving good food, I have been failing to learn what is actually in these foods that I am serving and consuming. While I have been happily cooking up absolutely delicious, creative meals and culinary classics at home for my boyfriend and I, I have been failing to really LOOK in to the ingredients I am using. While grocery shopping, I would glance at nutrition labels briefly and look at the ingredients list to make sure there was no High Fructose Corn Syrup or added sugars or MSG or shit like that. I would in fact even pay attention to Cholesterol levels sometimes. But I was not paying close enough attention to the Saturated Fats. I thought that by cooking my own meals at home I was being healthier than going to a restaurant. But the reality was opting for Chicken Sausages still was introducing my body to lots of Saturated Fat. Slow Roasting my Short Ribs for 6 hours and making a gravy out of the juices was introducing my body to lots of Saturated Fat. Eating the crispy chicken skin on my home cooked Chicken leg quarters wasn’t healthy just because it was Baked. It was introducing my body to more Saturated Fat. I was fucking myself over and I didn’t even realize it.
I did a deep assessment of the foods I have been consuming and honestly, I feel like a complete fucking idiot. While I have always incorporated veggies and fruits in to my daily meals, I have also included an insane amount of Saturated fats, cholesterol and sodium. All of the fatty Rib-eyes, hamburgers, sausages, butter, salt, homemade gravies, store bought condiments, french fries and homemade cookies have done nothing good for my body. That and my inconsistent trips to the gym. And so here I am.
It has been 14 days today since I got the news about my Cholesterol. And of those 14 days, I have been in the gym sweating and working hard for 13 of them. I allowed myself 1 day of rest. As far as food, I have done lots of research and purchased a few Low Cholesterol cookbooks that have opened my eyes to a whole new world. It was frustrating at first to read all of the things that I should avoid eating because, honestly, I have no problem cutting them out of my diet and if I had been more aware of what I was doing to my body, I would have BEEN cut that shit all out. So far, I have completely cut out red meat, sausages, full-fat dairy like sliced and block cheese, store bought condiments, added sugars and added salts. I have added WAY more vegetables to my diet as well as apples, oranges, and fish; and I have also started every day with Oatmeal topped with fruit and ground Flaxseed. I also have added a variety of beans as a huge part of my daily diet. Basically, my focus it to make sure that my diet consists of fiber rich foods, lean proteins and cut out Saturated Fats, added sugars and added salt.
With all of that said, even after the first week I started noticing that the stubborn belly fat that I have been wanting to melt off for quite a while has in fact started melting off. Also, these weird stomach issues that I started having last summer have settled down. As I look back at this last year, I truly believe my body was trying to tell me something. It was talking to me. The reality is that I am starting to look at this whole health shake up as a blessing from God. In a matter of two years, I had lost over 45lbs in an unhealthy way and gained it all back in an unhealthy way. I have REALLY been wanting to shed some of that unhealthy weight and get back in shape and although I was going to the gym here and there and going on a hike a couple of times a month, I was slacking. I just could not seem to get consistent with my gym time in a way that was necessary to achieve my health goals. I also have been wanting to get back to writing my blog. I have wanted to continue my writing for quite some time, but I also could not seem to get out of this rut that I was in, feeling semi-inspired but not quite sure where that inspiration was leading. Well I suppose it has led me here.
God works in mysterious ways, truly. He knows your heart and knows what you need, even when you aren’t quite sure what that is. This experience is reminding me of the importance of Faith. It is reminding me that there are two people in charge of my life. God and myself. God has blessed me with life and it is my duty and responsibility to honor that blessing by showing up daily for myself, being good to myself and making the most out of my time here on Earth. This experience has also opened up my eyes to that very important and crucial layer of self love that I overlooked all of these years and honestly, that I think a lot of people in this world overlook. Your internal health. But now my eyes are open and, God willing, I will get my Cholesterol numbers down to healthy levels on my own, through diet, exercise and dedication to myself. From this day forward, I will love myself in the complete way that one should love themselves: Mind, Body, Spirit and Heart. Holy and wholly.
Awake, Aware & Uncensored 