Is Etiquette Becoming Extinct?

Etiquette. “The customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group.” The word itself sounds very polite and elegant. As a server, my existence in this line of work relies on etiquette, both on my part and the many guests I come in contact with. The very best of servers truly understand the meaning of this word and, in my opinion, that is what makes them the best. Not just because they themselves practice good etiquette in the workplace, but because they have to understand and accept that not every guest that steps foot in the building has proper etiquette or even understands the meaning; and we have to just roll with the punches.

As a server, we survive on tips. Yes, we make an hourly wage. However, that hourly wage amount changes depending on what state you live in. When I lived in the South, I was a server in a state that allowed companies to pay tipped employees $2.13/hour. Yes, you read that right. And not only did I make that bullshit amount an hour, but the company I worked for did not allow us to add Automatic Gratuity on large parties. One time I had a party of twenty guests. They were a rather difficult group, highly demanding and had my co-worker and I running around like crazy; and of course (despite wanting to scream at the top of our very frustrated lungs)  we ran around with smiles on our face and responded to every request (sometimes demand) with a “yes ma’am, yes sir”.

We provided this party with the very best of service. And do you want to know what they left us for a tip? 1 cent. Yes. ONE FUCKING PENNY. Twenty people. Now, this was a nice steak house that we worked at. Their check was at the VERY minimum $500 with the easy possibility that it was $800 if not well over ( It’s been three years, cut me some slack.) So, that would be a proper tip of $100-$160+; and they left us one penny. Was it a mistake that they left the penny behind? Perhaps. But the fact that it was placed so nicely right in the middle of the table for us by people who did not respect our existence or appreciate our good service makes me believe it was just them being some real smart asses with lack of etiquette. So, from that check, we had to tip out a total of 4% of the sub total to the bar, host and bussers. So lets say that the check was $600. Taxes in that state were 9%. So that would mean the check was $546 before taxes. 4% of $546 is just under $22. If the company had allowed us to add automatic gratuity, we would have received a tip of about $98. From that $98 we would have to deduct $22. That leaves the other server and I $76 to split. That is $38 dollars a piece. Not too bad right? Except they left us ONE FUCKING PENNY to split. So in the end, us servers had to pay $11 a piece to the house out of our own pockets. Us two hard working servers had to pay for that group of people to come and enjoy our delicious food, expose ourselves to blatant disrespect, take it like champions with smiles on our faces because that is the proper thing to do, all for free.

Now, after reading all of that, those numbers may have your head in a whirl. At this point you may feel like telling me to shut the fuck up and stop complaining and be grateful I have a job. And you want to know what my response would be? Yeah, but NO. It’s not about bitching or being ungrateful. This is about a  LACK of proper etiquette. This is about me, a grown woman who works extremely hard and loves the work, trying to make a living just like everyone else and pay her bills just like everyone else. This is about me, a woman who takes pride in her work and whether or not you are the most wonderful human being ever or the shittiest, will always provide you with great service. This is a true story about a large group of people with a LACK of proper etiquette. Ask yourself, would you walk in to your place of business and PAY THEM so you can work there for free? It sounds crazy doesn’t it? Thankfully I now live back in my home state, where a $2.13/hour pay is considered immoral. I at least make minimum wage. So now at tax time, instead of paying a couple thousand dollars to the state and feds, I have a chance to get some money back. Or at least break even.

While proper etiquette applies to and should be practiced in all places of business, I used the restaurant as an example because that is where I personally work. If you can not afford to tip, do not eat at establishments where you are provided table service. Go to a fast food restaurant. Or stay home. Cook yourself a meal. I am not trying to sound like a bitch, I am just being real. And if you do go out to eat and get table service? Proper etiquette is tipping your server a minimum of 18% of your bill. A GOOD tip is 20%, meaning if your bill is $150, the tip would be $30. Now you may ask, what if the service was terrible? I personally LOVE going out to eat. And being a server myself, I naturally pay attention to every detail. Most of the time I get decent service. I have in the past gotten service from people who are definitely in the wrong line of work. Like, they straight up didn’t give a fuck. Neglectful. Unfriendly. That is very rare though. Communication is key. If your service starts off bad, don’t write them off. For all you know, the server may just have gotten tipped a penny on a $600 check and is feeling discouraged. Ask them what their name is. Ask them how their day is. If your burger came out medium rare instead of well done? Politely tell your server! No need to rip them to shreds, as they are not the ones cooking the food. Give the server a chance to make it right if something is wrong. Don’t stay silent! I hate when people are unhappy with their food but don’t tell you. Then in the end they write a bad review or tip you like shit. Communicate! And as the server, you must treat people like guests in your home. Pay attention to details. Go back by the table and make sure that Ribeye ordered Medium is a solid pink throughout and not a mooing piece of red flesh. And as a patron in the restaurant, you must treat your server like you are a guest in their home. Be happy and grateful that you are able to sit down and relax while others are scrambling around to make sure your experience is wonderful. Enjoy the food. But also enjoy the ambiance.

So now lets talk about etiquette in the real world. Not in a place of business. I’m talking about in the streets of your city or town. I often wonder if I happened to luck out as a human and was born to superhuman parents who taught me well, or if everyone has superhuman parents that taught/teach proper etiquette and some just throw all of it out of the window.

Speaking of throwing things out of the window, let’s start with that.  Littering. My mother put it in our heads when we were itty bitty kids that littering is a NO NO and that we must be good to our planet Earth. My mother is from a very beautiful, tiny little country in Europe that takes great pride in keeping their streets (and really the whole country itself) very clean and lovely. I have been traveling there since I was about three or four (not counting the time when I was in my mamans belly), so being exposed to that type of environment at an early age made the “no littering rule” a normal thing for me. Now that I am older, I realize now how awful we are here in America with littering. We need to get better. Seriously. There is a certain lazy mentality that I am embarrassed to say is common in this country. People don’t want to take that extra few seconds to walk over to the garbage can. People don’t want to keep that bag of fast food garbage in the car until they get home, they want to throw it out of their car window. People either don’t think, or they straight up don’t give a fuck and both are bad. We need to wake up and stop taking our planet for granted. Ask yourself right now, what would you do if you saw someone throw their trash on your front lawn as they drove by? Would you be mad? Yes? Want to beat the crap out of them? Okay, well how do you think our Mother Earth feels when we throw our shit in her ancient forests or on the side of the roads or in her beautiful oceans?

But this doesn’t stop at littering. Good etiquette must be practiced everywhere. If you are a pedestrian and crossing the street and a car stopped to allow you to do so, acknowledge the driver by saying thank you or waving your hand. And if you are a driver driving down the highway for example, and you see someone trying to merge onto the highway, move to the next lane if you can or slow down to let them merge. Don’t be that fucking asshole that forces the merging car to slam on their breaks, just for shits and giggles (this happened to me recently. Fucking asshole.) When you are on a hike or taking an evening stroll around the neighborhood and you pass by someone, say hello or good evening. I mean, all of these things seem so normal to me, so to see people do otherwise boggles my mind and then provokes me to write something like this.

So now I sit here and wonder if I am being too opinionated. After all, who am I to tell people what is right and wrong? Then I wonder if what seems normal to me is in fact not normal. I mean, I speak to people I pass when I go on walks and hikes because that is what I saw people do when we would go visit my family in Europe. It was so common out there for people to go on a stroll after dinner. And no matter who it was that crossed our paths, there was always a verbal interaction. “Bon soir monsieur!” “Bonjour Madame!” I find that on my walks, I am always the one who says hello first. Is it because I am a weirdo? Should I shut up and not say a word? Should I be that person that just looks at the ground and keeps walking and pretend I am the only one around?

I feel like, especially now with everything going on in our country and the world, that we need to do any and everything we can to stick together. Because there is a whole bunch of crap that is dividing us. And by “us” I don’t just mean humans. I mean the world. I mean animals. There is too much division. There are people who are trying to keep us in the dark in regards to our planet. And so we must be the light. We must take care of our Earth. We must take those extra steps to the garbage can and throw out that candy wrapper. We must take those extra minutes to separate the plastic bottles from the fast food garbage and RECYCLE. We must make sure that our garbage doesn’t end up in the bellies of whales and birds etc. We must make sure to acknowledge each others existence, because that girl you just passed walking up the hill may be feeling super bummed today and your simple smile and “hello” could turn her day on around. We must be patient and slow down to let that young schoolboy cross the street; and when it is us wanting to cross the street to get to where we are going, we must wave our hand to the driver who stopped and say “thank you”.

So is etiquette becoming extinct? Seemingly so, but I have faith in my fellow Earthlings. I have faith in YOU! And the best way to keep proper etiquette alive is to keep practicing it. Lead by example. As long as I am alive, take comfort in knowing that there is at least one person on earth who will let you merge onto the highway and tip 20% or more when going out to eat.